The Festering Question

This Blog is long in coming and after allowing it to mill around my thoughts for over a month I still do not know how to start. But as reluctantly my fingers move across the keys I pray that the Lord would take this and use it in the lives of others and in my own life. For quite some time now I have been bothered. The thing that as been my incessant nuisance is myself, and more specifically my fear in sharing my faith. This fear takes many forms and often transforming itself into wondrous rationalizations as to why I need not open my mouth, as to why perhaps it would be better to say less, as to why now would not be the best time, the sad list goes on.

I’ve known I should write about this since an evening service sometime last month when the speaker made mention of rights in our nation and the current state of affairs, alluding to the reality that believers right to biblically practice their faiths is already being infringed upon and could very really be made illegal, punishable in the highest degree. These comments were met with the typical responses of agreement throughout the small group present at the time. I began to agree and be frustrated with the wrongs of other, as sadly I too often do, when from out of somewhere (I don’t know where but I can venture a guess) came a clear convicting thought. It passed through my mind and I could not and cannot escape. “Why are you so bothered by this right being taken, you don’t really use it do you? Perhaps once in a great while you may share your faith with those who don’t already know, but even less of those times is with the desire to proselytize* them.”

I don’t know that those questions are in the exact words they were that night (for I don’t often think in such syntax… nor do I normally use words like syntax, but something happens when I begin to type and my vocabulary morphs) but those are the best words I can offer to represent the progression my thoughts took that night. And it bothered me… and it’s still bothering me. For if it were to become illegal for me to share my faith with the hope of converting another, a crime punishable by imprisonment but somehow I was left ignorant of this law, how long would I live a free man? I fear it would perhaps be a shamefully long time. And that bothers me.

Again tonight at my church the same conviction strikes and it bothers me. However, it does no good to be bothered; it does no good to be convicted if it does not lead to repentance. My feeling of conviction won’t save anyone from Hell.

Scripture says:

Romans 10:14 - “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?”

I work in a public school and I pray often almost daily for God to help me shine His light, for His love to show, 'Love take me over", that they would see Jesus in me, and the like. There are days I better allow God to do this through me than others, but even if these prayers are answered and they see it and I live it perfectly, if I never open my mouth and say, “this is why”, “Let me tell you the best news ever”, “Let me tell you why I am different”, if I never speak the name by which they must be saved and tell them how they may know him, it is all for not. For they won't even know what it is they are looking at.

At some point I must open my mouth. At some point I must stop being ashamed of the gospel I must stop fearing being counted as a fool for Christ sake.

And it can’t be later…

I know where this is supposed to start for me (with one individual in particular) I ask that you pray for me. I invite you to ask yourself some of the same questions that have been bothering me, and may we both act, in God’s speed.

*Proselytize - To convert a person from one belief, doctrine, cause, or faith to another.

A Page Turn

 I recently had the displeasure of finishing the last erring episode of a T.V. show I had been following for quite some time. It was a show that loved plot twists the first season ended with the hero finally destroying the main villain, but in doing so released an even greater one sending him on another quest to save the earth. So when the second season ended I shouldn’t have been surprised when just on the brink of finishing this epic quest they had been on for 6 months to save the world that *poof*… huge plot twist and everything is in jeopardy again and… “to be continued” comes across the otherwise black screen. Of course they never made a third season so I will never know whether the world was destroyed or not, oh well.

At times I feel like the adventure of life is similarly full of plot twists. Thankfully my show won’t be discontinued before the story is finished as He intended. But sometimes I feel a similar frustration in life just as I finish one chapter feeling that I barely survived it my life gets shaken like a classic boggle game and there is an all new quest on which to embark.

This is my life now, a page turn.  Standing on this side of my bachelors looking back at my schooling journey: being swept off white knuckled by the reigns of first year from my home, to trudging through the swamps of language acquisition and at times despair in Argentina, followed by two years of juggling far too many things whilst walking the tightrope of ministry over the pit of burn out, and all the way barely escaping the grasp of debt disillusionment and doubt. Looking at the mountains crossed, I know there must have been many times I was carried solely on the wings of miracles of grace.

Yet I am here, more aware of my inadequacies than ever before, yet all the more confident in His ability. But now as that page of life lands firmly in the past and more plot is revealed on this new page, here I stand on the brink of another journey I don’t yet fully understand… Adulthood.

What does it look like to be a Christian man in the St. Joseph County Michigan? How does one not digress to the life known before in such a familiar atmosphere? Life? Love? Work? Taxes? How does it all work? This is what my life consists of now, learning in the classroom of life. I invite you to join me again. I am dusting off the old blog (that is if blogs can collect dust… I suppose just about anything collects dust by sitting unused for 11 months). I do this, I hope, to be a help or encouragement to someone, but honestly I know this blog will probably never go viral, but it’s more for my sake I think. I like to write, it’s good for my soul. It helps me to refine my world view. To make sure I’m still thinking. I hope to write monthly. It seems more probable this chapter than the last but who knows what life will allow. However it would encourage me greatly if in some way these musings could be of use to someone. So please read, comment (it makes me feel good) and learn to live with me… or if you could teach me that would be great too!

Prayer

            In my seventeen years as a student this assignment to spend on hour in uninterrupted prayer has been my favorite assignment that I have received. It came in my Senior Seminar class close to the end of the bachelors studies and it was such a blessing to me I thought I would share it with you here in this forum that has been put off for some time, but I suppose better late than never. The assignment was this, simply spend an hour in uninterrupted prayer with the Lord and than write about your experience… this was my report.
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            It was incredibly refreshing to just spend time with Him. It wasn’t an hour on my knees talking the whole time. I went for a walk, and just talked to God and listened. About various things that came to my mind starting with asking the lord to help me reconcile how it works to pray without ceasing and to also heed the council of Ecclesiastes when it said let your words be few in the presence of God for He is in heave and you are on earth. But it was refreshing and intimate and wonderful. I have a lot of decisions in front of me right now and I am the kind of person that loves to talk things out, and I had been doing that with friends. It was as if the Lord said to me… why haven’t we talked about this Josiah? It felt as though he said it to me almost chuckling with a big smile on his face warmly inviting me to pour out my heart to him. So we walked and I chattered and he responded with the wind and the stars and peace… deep deep peace. It was me experiencing Him being the friend that sticks closer than a brother. The kind of intimacy I know He longs for in our relationship, the kind of intimacy I say I want but rarely take time seek with Him. It was gentle yet overwhelming, calming but made me want to sing and dance, and I might of. I like God. =]

            We also talked about the different paths on the table in from of me. I didn’t hear a voice from heaven or anything saying, do this or do that, but I had a different sort of peace about the decisions because I had talked them through with the most important someone.

            In my work as a Discipleship Coordinator and I met with many guys on a weekly basis and would sit with them for an hour or two and hash out life, build relationships with them, pray with them, and grow with them.  As I said to Him, “Lord I’ve missed you we really don’t do this enough”, God short of impressed on my heart, “well I am always available, and you meet with your guys regularly to show how you value them. So that they know they have you for those two hours and to show that you care. To just enjoy one another and grow the friendship, why don’t we do that?” So I want to start to have appointments or dates with God. These will be chunks of time I lay out to be with him that I treat seriously as appointments striving to honor them, when I am asked to do something to respond with a stern; sorry I am busy with a previous engagement.
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If I desire the reality of God in my life I need to treat Him as just that, a reality.  A real relationship in my life that really needs tending. I invite you to take my teacher’s challenge and if you do I would love to hear about it. I also would ask you to challenge me as you have opportunity and check and see if I am making priority of my appointments with Him. This is something I so struggle with and I would welcome challenges or even wisdom how to grow in that.  

The Hills Not Worth Dying On

My writings on this Blog are sporadic at best, but thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I have been greatly encouraged that God has, on occasion, been able to use my musing or reflections to be an encouragement or challenge to some of you. My motives for writing these posts are many: I started because mom said I should. I try to write earnestly in hopes that someone will actually read these reflections and be helped in some way. Also, to articulate a thought that has been ricocheting across the corridors of my mind for a time helps me personally come to a conclusion on what to do with what’s been going on in my head. Lastly, quite simply, I write because I like to write.

This concept, “the hills in life not worth dying on,” has indeed at times been ricocheting through, but at the very least rolling around in my head for some months now. In light of current discussion and a day off, why not flesh it out now, no?

What current discussion you may ask? Well, if you are completely uninformed on national news, don’t feel bad. This is a safe place, you won’t be judged here, but you should know the election results were posted last night. Today being the day after, while it is fresh on the nation’s minds and at the forefront of their conversations, people across the nation are writing tweets, pointed status, and blogs on their opinions on these turns of events. Being a Brondyke, my opinions of course are not lacking, so here I sit joining in on the Blog community. I hope to avoid speaking on my opinions too much and rather speak of what He has said and what He desires for us as His body. Now I do say this to the body of Christ. So if you are not a believer and reading this, by all means read on. But this is not directly addressed to you. I don’t plan on saying anything far too revolutionary or novel, for there is nothing new under the sun. There is surely nothing I will say that has not already been said and it is quite possible that other renditions of this are better stated and freer of grammatical error. Nevertheless, in the spirit of 2 Peter 3:1 I say, I write to you that which perhaps you have already heard to stir up our pure mind by way of reminder.

This is bigger than the reaction of Christians in the national community when it comes to politics. This touches a larger trend I see in the church today. A trend I fear that is truly not honoring to Him and that may very well be detrimental to His main/only cause. There is the over-arcing lust to be “right”, to win the argument, to make sure the world knows our two cents worth. The question is, “Is that a hill worth dying on?” This phrase or similar variations of it have become quite common place today. The fact that this question is being asked intrinsically implies that the answer may be at times “yes” and at times “no.”

On my first attempt at finding the etymology of the phrase Google’s number one hit failed to hit the mark, but I did discover that “A hill worth dying for” is a metal band. I quickly logged that away in my closet of useless facts I’ve stumbled upon on Google, and with a few more clicks, Phrase Finder has this to say, for those of you who fancy history enjoy…

“The phrase has become very popular as a metaphorical question not related to hills. However, in military history hills have always been important… many commanders have asked themselves, ‘Is taking this hill worth the many casualties our army will take?’ Among famous American battles involving hills were the Battle of Bunker Hill, the battle for Cemetery Ridge, the Battle of San Juan Hill in Cuba, and perhaps most germanely, the battle of ‘Hamburger Hill’ in Vietnam, which may be the source of the current popularity of the phrase.” (Stover)

The statement means that any battle fought is sure to have causalities, so make sure you only fight the ones worth fighting. Since you only get to die once, make it count on the right battle.

I just want to encourage all of us to consider: what is our main battle? Let us keep our focus there, for Satan would love to distract us from the main cause of Christ by making us fight in skirmishes that in the course of eternity are inconsequential. Sadly, as believers we are developing a bad habit of burning bridges to the true heart of man’s problems with our “two-cents worth.” To win an argument to the loss of your brother’s soul would surely be a terrible trade.

A couple of men who have shaped my thinking on this are Jim Elliot and C. S. Lewis. The philosophy that defined the life of Jim Elliot can be seen clearly in his journal entries in the book Shadow of the Almighty (complied by Elizabeth Elliot). His convictions were that we are chiefly citizens of a higher heavenly kingdom and we do well to keep that ever present in our minds. For our first allegiance ought not to be Democrat, Republican, or even American; rather, first and foremost, we are ambassadors of Christ’s kingdom. C. S. Lewis, in his work the Screwtape Letters, pens an interesting piece on the demonic realm. Using the unique literary device of letters between a “senior tempter” and his less experienced nephew, C.S. Lewis sheds light on how, from his perspective, Satan may attempt to trip us up. The book was written near the time of WWII, so some allusions are drawn to it throughout the work. In the 7th letter of the book, Wormwood asks Screwtape what would be more effective to make the patient  an extreme patriot or an extreme pacifist? Here is a portion of his response.

“All extremes, except extreme devotion to the Enemy, are to be encouraged… Once you have made the World an end, and faith a means, you have almost won your man, and it makes very little difference what kind of worldly end he is pursuing. Provided that meetings, pamphlets, policies, movements, causes, and crusades, matter more to him than prayers and sacraments and charity, he is ours—and the more "religious" (on those terms) the more securely ours.”

You may take this with a grain of salt, for this text is not inspired, but I do think it important that we be on guard that our spiritual devotion not be misdirected to a secondary cause. This goes even beyond policies and politics and even touches the theology of the Church. I frequently tire of the division that comes from “political camps.” A student (who I love dearly and who I have already talked to about his comment) said something that really got under my skin the other day. I was sitting in the dining hall when I heard, “after all Jesus was a Calvinist.” My friend, Jesus was and is Jesus. He is God’s son, God incarnate, is the standard! He is not Democrat, Republican, or American. He is not Baptist, Charismatic, or Catholic, He is the Christ! He is not a “covenant” theologian, “dispensationalist,” or “reformed”. He is Jesus. Don’t try and pull him into your camp, accept His invitation to enter His!

I challenge you look into what the Bible does say, what does the Lord desire of his followers. Stop reading this now and go and consider all of 1st Corinthians 1 specifically verses 12-15. Read also John 17 in the high priestly prayer think of what it was that the Lord requested for his disciples. Consider specifically verse 11, that Christ prayed that we may be one AS He and the father are one! Consider Ephesians 4 where Christ says to strive for unity in the body of Christ! Let us not allow a secondary cause to divide us Brothers. They are to know we are His disciples by our love especially by the love that we have for those of the house hold of faith. (John 13:35, Gal 6:10)

What is unity? Unity is not uniformity. This does not mean that we will agree on everything, and it does not mean that we ought not to have opinions. It does not mean that unity is to be pursued at the cost of sound doctrine. But for those that are truly born again, in Him, we have the same mind, (1 Cor 2:16) the same call, (Eph 4:1) the same baptism, (Eph 4:5) the same blood covering us. (1 Peter 1:18-20)

One of my favorite quotes I now carry with me from my college studies came from Dan Anderson, the President of Appalachian Bible College. When asked a tough controversial question in class he replied, “Where the Bible speaks I will speak, where the Bible remains silent I will remain silent.” I don’t believe this was a cop-out, I believe it was a conviction. I am challenged by Proverbs 10:19- “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

Not all born again Christians voted the same way. Not all born again believers will come to the same conclusion on every issue of Theology, but we are told to strive for unity. I fear as Christians, we too often fight the wrong wars, against the wrong enemies, on the wrong hills. I trust and pray that God may grant us grace as He teaches how to walk out what He intended.

Light in the Valleys

For christmas 2010 my lovely sister got me a journal that is now all but a few pages from complete. In moving back to Florida for my second year on dean staff I stumbled across the small faded leather book that had been neglected for three months. I opened it today to catch my future self up on life as of late.

I am very pro journals, Jessica said it like this "Keep track of your life, someday you may want to look back and find out how you got to where you'll be." I have been trying to follow your advice Jessica, and I am grateful i have done so.

August 2010 I asked  Mr. David Snow for advice at my graduation day from the BI. As we watched my circle of friends laughing, embracing, and crying (at times all at once) he advised that I treasure these moments. For life is full of mountains and valleys and it is important to remember the mountain tops lest we despair in the valleys. For life is full of cycles.

Upon opening my journal I looked at the first page and saw a valley, but it was, strangely enough, a sweet realization. You see I have a tendency to forget where I have been so when I feel the despair of a Valley i often fear it will last forever and foolishly think it is the lowest I have ever been, but this is merely my nearsightedness deceiving me.


Here is the entry that reminded me of this...

"I am growing rapidly convinced that the world does not contain spiritual giants as we often think of them. The men we idolize, that surely could never fall, and surely never have a day when their perspective is obscured. And if I am wrong in my theory, this I know, if they do exist I am not one of them. (nor was David)

So what do I do with myself beginning to know well my limitations and also holding a confidence i posses far more wickedness that has yet to be revealed to me by the searching eyes of our loving savior?... All this to simply say, i feel we do our brothers a great injustice to ignore the valleys of great men of God. This is not to say I consider myself among them but if my story is ever told let it be known my weakness and fears are many, my days like Elijah under the juniper tree certainly have come in spite of great victories before hand. Not only am i made of dust , but fairly weak dust at that.

I have fainted amongst the footmen. I am not fit to be used and surly the Lord does not need me. But i pray He will use me, I pray he will accept the little i have to offer in my all and that he makes it into something that can reflect His glory.

I pray He teaches me to pray, to believe, to testify to of the God I serve. I am not fit for the task i have laid before me. God, i need you.

My name is Josiah James Brondyke. I am learning Spanish in Argentina, and today is not yet a mountain top."

Praise be to God that He chooses to use exceptionally weak dust, for his strength is made perfect in weakness. If you are on a mountain top, God is faithful praise Him. If you are in a valley, God is faithful praise Him still. He will not suffer you to be tempted more than you can bear, and He will never abandon you.

Genesis 2:21 A Lesson I'm Learning As a Single 20-Something

I come to appreciate this passage more and more deeply every time I come across it. My meditations this time focus most heavily on the phase of life that I am currently in. I aware that an examination of biblical singleness has been done more than once and the world isn’t waiting on baited breath for what I have to say, but these have been some personal meditations and challenges I have found on the topic over the past year.  I truly believe that God has a amazing purpose for singleness other than just finding our counterpart, also I believe if we were to conduct ourselves properly in singleness and the “finding” of a spouse our marriages and homes in the future would be greatly transformed.

A different perspective for looking at verse 21 of Genesis 2 was introduced to me through reading Jim Elliot’s In the Shadow of the Almighty. I saw that Jim held a unique perspective on how to approach singleness that he found in his personal study of Genesis 2. He wrote of this in a letter to his parents contained in this book. I am aware this quote is a little lengthy but I have always quiet enjoyed Jim’s philosophy you can see so clearly in his writing style and I think he says it best. I challenge you, especially if you’re in the same phase of life as me, read the verse and ask the Lord to give you insight on this, then keep reading starting with Jim’s quote.

       “No one warns young people to follow Adam’s example. He waited till God

       saw his need. Then God made Adam sleep, prepared his mate, and brought

       her to him. We need more of this ‘being asleep’ in the will of God. Then we

       can receive what He brings us in His own time, if at all. Instead we are set as

       bloodhounds after a partner, considering everyone we see until our minds are

       so concerned with the sex problem that we can talk of nothing else… It is true

       that a fellow can’t ignore women – but he can think of them as he ought- as

       sisters, not as sparring partners.” (Elliot, 50)

I am trying to learn to incorporate this philosophy of being asleep in the will of God to how I approach my singleness. The idea is this that God saw Adam’s need. Not so much as to say that God was not aware earlier but at the moment that Adam became aware of it God was already prepared with his solution. God then sets into action and brings forth the solution bringing it to Adam. Adam throughout this entire process was not in distress over how the Lord would provide for the need at hand, he was… sleeping. Adam was, “made sensible of his want of a meet help, but, God having undertaken to provide him one, he does not afflict himself with any care about it, but lies down and sleeps sweetly” (Henry, 20).

Too often today when I come to realize that Susie from across the street is… different than I and that… I like Susie, my life as the average adolescent (Christian or Non-Christian) is forever changed. Frequently the case comes to be that this, finding of a suitable mate, becomes the total of young lives until that role is filled. Throughout this endeavor we ask God to bless our endeavor as we are on “the hunt” while not realizing that perhaps God would rather we “sleep” wait, and simply trust Him.

Or perhaps I am among them who have already risen above this wild chasing and decided that this desire or feeling of relative incompleteness prior to the finding of my mate is beneath me because after all I am a “devote mature ‘Christ Followers’” so, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Harris). Great book from a wonderful heart and I appreciate all the wise council Joshua Harris has given through his writing. Sadly however we have carried some of the mantras from dating books so far that with them we carry the spirit that if you are single and desire to be married you are deep in the sinful mire of discontentment. There is another book called Jesus Plus Nothing Equals Everything (Tchividjian) I have heard great things about and I am excited to read. But I feel almost a pressure in the young and zealous for the Lord that if you have a desire for anything other than the Lord you are in sin. This may be the case at times but we must be careful for, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22 NIV). It’s interesting that God created all things good and yet before the fall He saw one thing that was not good. That, “it was not good for a man to be alone” (Gen.2:18) I found this quote and am still not yet sure what to do with it,

            “God does not exclusively fill the human heart. He made humankind to

             need more than himself. The staggering humility of God to make

             something that was not to be fully satisfied with the creator and the

             creation is incomprehensible.”(Allender, 146) 

While I do not love the phrase “God does not exclusively fill the human heart,” but it is intresting to think that God did allow his creation, man, to “need” a help meet. That truly is a humble act. And it’s not identified as sin or because man didn’t love God enough, for the observation is breathed out of the mouth of God not muttered bitterly from the heart of man. So I do not think we are wrong in making the same observation and desiring what God has created us to desire.

But what if we could desire it and yet sleep waiting for him to fufill that desire? That would be such a far cry from the norm of today’s 20 some things (often myself included) hunting desperately for a spouse and praying again and again, “Is this the one? Is this the one? Is this the one?” thinking that this is the purpose of their single years, to merely become un-single. What if instead we would simply wait? Rest in God’s will and plan that is so much higher than any we could muster up by our own intellect (Is. 55:9) Take in the lessons God has for us in stride trusting that God will open our eyes to the right person at the right time. How different our homes would look down the road, when they are built on the provision of God not the efforts of man. (Ps 127:1a)

I feel confident that if we trusted the Lord and did not frantically try to fill the role of match maker the divorce rate in the church wouldn’t be the same as in the world. Perhaps if in singleness our goal wasn’t to trick the opposite gender into falling for us, there would be less disillusionment that lead to divorce just a few years after the wedding night and the honey moon, after the act was dropped and the guards went down. The way that we approach singleness and “finding” a mate creates the very foundation upon which each new family unit begins. So to all of you in singleness like I am, are we searching to find the right match, or are we sleeping trusting God will give us the right match in his timing? Now I am not saying it is wrong to go on dates or get to know people in your singles ministry at your church (whatever the case may be), but I am saying it comes to the attitude and position of the heart.

If God does bless you with a spouse, praise Him! Your are leaps ahead of me in life steps, you can apply all the beautiful principles found in the following verses and pages of scripture, but as for me I am currently determined to properly apply Genesis 2:21 and get out of the hunt, and back to sleep. Trusting that God holds the blue prints to my family and can pick the best building partner.



Bibliography

   Allender, Dan B., and Tremper Longman. Intimate Allies. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale
                   House, 1995. 146. Print.

   Elliot, Elisabeth. Shadow of the Almighty: The Life & Testament of Jim Elliot. New
                   York: Harper, 1958. 50. Print.

   Henry, Matthew. Matthew Henry's Commentary. Vol. 1: Gen- Detu. Scripture
                   Truth Book. 20. Print.

   Tchividjian, Tullian. Jesus + Nothing = Everything. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2011.

                    Print.

It's just a year...

  My sister once wisely advised me to keep track of my life because its key to understanding how I got to where I am. I may have lost track of my life for a moment, so now as we near the end of this year I look back to see how  life has changed.

            C. S. Lewis expressed in his book The Screwtape Letters  that, “to be in time is to be subject to change.” I think my life has proven this proposition to be true. My life is not the same as I left it a year and a half ago when I boarded a plane for Argentina. I do not know that I fully understood when boarding it how greatly the decision to study overseas for a year would affect things. Now, ironically, as a young man born into a Midwest middle class white English speaking family, I at times find myself  speaking in broken awkward English phrases, and feel I could better express myself if only those around me spoke Spanish. As a 20 year old man I am suffering an identity crisis. The relationships in my life were stretched and tried, some strengthened others faded. Lastly, the paths of my life seem to have been uprooted and thrown over uncharted territory. I don’t regret it in the slightest. I believe I followed God to Argentina. So how did I get here? Easy, a decision was made to step out in faith, but what just happened and what all was affected I am still sorting out.

            I have always known who I am: a pastor’s son, a nice kid, an A/B student, a funny guy, generally loving and outgoing. So what happened to me? I feel as if to some degree I lost track of myself in Argentina, which in truth isn’t all bad. A cross cultural experience is a funny thing to describe to anyone who has never experienced one, but it certainly comes with its own unique set of challenges and learning moments. These heated tests and prolonged pressure have the opportunity to turn something more pure and useful, or burn and break it. At times its both. When I stepped into a different world the “me” I knew had stayed in North America. These people didn’t know him, and weren’t necessarily as impressed with this foreigner as he was with himself. One of the hardest aspects of living in a different culture is role reversal. I went from being a competent leader and an effective communicator to a lost kid who couldn’t speak. My pride took many a critical blow, and often left it nursing its wounds in my “cuarto” not as quick to throw itself out there as it had once been. “When not met with accolades why bother?” my heart of hearts muttered through gritted teeth that which my lips would never dare utter. It disturbed me to hear myself as my true colors shown.  Along with the revelation of this heart, of sin, I came to another daunting realization… not everyone is American; not everyone thinks, acts, and lives like me. For some, my big over the top American personality was a hard pill to swallow. Here went the chisel of the Lord, going to work on things as my pride and personality, while He opened up my world view, and as I changed.

            All this was taking place south of the equator, but what of those relationships and opportunities left in the United States? Surely the God who had held the sun in place for a day could halt the lives of my loved ones as I was not with them, so that I wouldn’t miss anything too important; after all it was only a year. However, the Lord had not made such promises to me, and so He did not keep them. The Lord led me to Argentina and that meant intrinsically that I was not anywhere but there. I was not with my loved ones I left behind. I was not able to keep perusing those relationships. Life in the US kept happening. Parties as well as funerals were missed, laughter as well as tears, victories as well as trials. My sister, who is one of my closest friends in the whole world, is now engaged, and I missed all of her dating relationship with Dan, her fiancé. I missed the getting to know each other phase, the giddy about it phase, and the praying seriously about it phase. I just simply wasn’t there. ..not for their relationship to develop nor to cultivate my own. I had it very much in my heart to pursue a precious friend of mine, but moving to Argentina halted those plans. Try as I did I was not able to be with her while I was in Argentina. We weren’t able to “be together” with an ocean between us. Being together I have found is crucial when you are considering marrying someone. My relationships were stretched and tested by distance and a lack of communication as life continued happening to everyone regardless of their location. Some strengthened some gave way.  In those same months new relationships were built as well. (often that is how life works) I can now happily say by the grace of God I have dear friends and brothers from South and Central America. Lucas, Ruth, Emmanuel, and Gaston just to name a few are all friends dear to me that I will forever count as my brothers and sisters.

            Once my personality was shaken, my relationships were altered, and I already had “given” my things, my location, and my nonexistent wealth for the sake of following Him, what more did He desire? In the process of dying to self and learning to let Christ live through me He is redefining everything. So there I stood, very unstable. What was left? Simply my plans. From an early age I had always felt I was going to spend my life in the ministry. Outside of that I felt that I would spend it somewhere where they spoke English. I was certain God had not designed me to learn languages. But God has uprooted the certainty of my plans and future projections and scattered them across the map. It’s strange to think that one decision can change the course of your life so considerably. After my time in Argentina I am considering church planting overseas or Spanish ministry in the United States. He has proven to me truly all things are possible with Him. In light of that truth, I pray the next time I hear the whisper of His will I will be all the quicker to follow His leading.

            So yes, it was only a year, but in this ever changing world it affected me greatly. Some things were gained, some things were lost, and others were simply changed. But I would not change the decision I made for the world. There were difficult moments and challenges and even consequences to following Him, but the reward is far greater.  Philippians 3:7-8 “But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ.”