It's just a year...

  My sister once wisely advised me to keep track of my life because its key to understanding how I got to where I am. I may have lost track of my life for a moment, so now as we near the end of this year I look back to see how  life has changed.

            C. S. Lewis expressed in his book The Screwtape Letters  that, “to be in time is to be subject to change.” I think my life has proven this proposition to be true. My life is not the same as I left it a year and a half ago when I boarded a plane for Argentina. I do not know that I fully understood when boarding it how greatly the decision to study overseas for a year would affect things. Now, ironically, as a young man born into a Midwest middle class white English speaking family, I at times find myself  speaking in broken awkward English phrases, and feel I could better express myself if only those around me spoke Spanish. As a 20 year old man I am suffering an identity crisis. The relationships in my life were stretched and tried, some strengthened others faded. Lastly, the paths of my life seem to have been uprooted and thrown over uncharted territory. I don’t regret it in the slightest. I believe I followed God to Argentina. So how did I get here? Easy, a decision was made to step out in faith, but what just happened and what all was affected I am still sorting out.

            I have always known who I am: a pastor’s son, a nice kid, an A/B student, a funny guy, generally loving and outgoing. So what happened to me? I feel as if to some degree I lost track of myself in Argentina, which in truth isn’t all bad. A cross cultural experience is a funny thing to describe to anyone who has never experienced one, but it certainly comes with its own unique set of challenges and learning moments. These heated tests and prolonged pressure have the opportunity to turn something more pure and useful, or burn and break it. At times its both. When I stepped into a different world the “me” I knew had stayed in North America. These people didn’t know him, and weren’t necessarily as impressed with this foreigner as he was with himself. One of the hardest aspects of living in a different culture is role reversal. I went from being a competent leader and an effective communicator to a lost kid who couldn’t speak. My pride took many a critical blow, and often left it nursing its wounds in my “cuarto” not as quick to throw itself out there as it had once been. “When not met with accolades why bother?” my heart of hearts muttered through gritted teeth that which my lips would never dare utter. It disturbed me to hear myself as my true colors shown.  Along with the revelation of this heart, of sin, I came to another daunting realization… not everyone is American; not everyone thinks, acts, and lives like me. For some, my big over the top American personality was a hard pill to swallow. Here went the chisel of the Lord, going to work on things as my pride and personality, while He opened up my world view, and as I changed.

            All this was taking place south of the equator, but what of those relationships and opportunities left in the United States? Surely the God who had held the sun in place for a day could halt the lives of my loved ones as I was not with them, so that I wouldn’t miss anything too important; after all it was only a year. However, the Lord had not made such promises to me, and so He did not keep them. The Lord led me to Argentina and that meant intrinsically that I was not anywhere but there. I was not with my loved ones I left behind. I was not able to keep perusing those relationships. Life in the US kept happening. Parties as well as funerals were missed, laughter as well as tears, victories as well as trials. My sister, who is one of my closest friends in the whole world, is now engaged, and I missed all of her dating relationship with Dan, her fiancé. I missed the getting to know each other phase, the giddy about it phase, and the praying seriously about it phase. I just simply wasn’t there. ..not for their relationship to develop nor to cultivate my own. I had it very much in my heart to pursue a precious friend of mine, but moving to Argentina halted those plans. Try as I did I was not able to be with her while I was in Argentina. We weren’t able to “be together” with an ocean between us. Being together I have found is crucial when you are considering marrying someone. My relationships were stretched and tested by distance and a lack of communication as life continued happening to everyone regardless of their location. Some strengthened some gave way.  In those same months new relationships were built as well. (often that is how life works) I can now happily say by the grace of God I have dear friends and brothers from South and Central America. Lucas, Ruth, Emmanuel, and Gaston just to name a few are all friends dear to me that I will forever count as my brothers and sisters.

            Once my personality was shaken, my relationships were altered, and I already had “given” my things, my location, and my nonexistent wealth for the sake of following Him, what more did He desire? In the process of dying to self and learning to let Christ live through me He is redefining everything. So there I stood, very unstable. What was left? Simply my plans. From an early age I had always felt I was going to spend my life in the ministry. Outside of that I felt that I would spend it somewhere where they spoke English. I was certain God had not designed me to learn languages. But God has uprooted the certainty of my plans and future projections and scattered them across the map. It’s strange to think that one decision can change the course of your life so considerably. After my time in Argentina I am considering church planting overseas or Spanish ministry in the United States. He has proven to me truly all things are possible with Him. In light of that truth, I pray the next time I hear the whisper of His will I will be all the quicker to follow His leading.

            So yes, it was only a year, but in this ever changing world it affected me greatly. Some things were gained, some things were lost, and others were simply changed. But I would not change the decision I made for the world. There were difficult moments and challenges and even consequences to following Him, but the reward is far greater.  Philippians 3:7-8 “But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ.”

How to Hold Your Plans

Working as a dean of men at a Bible college I see many students minds filled with questions. When your life is coming to fruition in one or four year segments the question often arises, “what is the will of God concerning…” This seems to be a theme for all those in colligate studies. These young hopefuls have looming over them this daunting task of making plans that alter the course of their lives. This task is made all the more difficult because our worlds are so subject to change and in that so are our plans. So, not only is there the task of making your plans, an equally daunting task is how one ought to hold these plans. Some students have a 10 and 20 year plan for their lives and yet others are doing well to have the next 20 minutes planned out. Whatever your personality tends to, be it a four year plan or a four meal plan it is important how you hold your plans. In my limited experience up till now I have seen three ways to hold ones plans: not holding any, squeezing them tightly, or holding them loosely.

            For some when asked, “Where you headed?” or “Where do you want to see yourself in ten years?” if plans to run away to Never Never land don’t come through the honest answer in their minds is they have no idea. This type of plan holder is not big on plan B’s, or plan A’s for that matter. This is the first category not holding anything. Because this trend is so common we have almost tried to make it trendy and spiritual. Some feel that your hands must be empty for the Lord to fill them so they keep their slate completely clean not wanting to commit to anything waiting on the day the Lord makes vividly clear there purpose for that chapter of life. I once spoke to a man in the park who told me adamantly, “I wouldn’t be caught dead with a plan.” I respect this man greatly and I understand that the Lord can speak very clearly at times in our lives, but it has become the opinion of some that it is a carnal manifestation of pride to have any plan at all. I don’t know that we need be so drastic. If we are honest with ourselves the simple fact of the matter is we must plan to some degree. My friend in the park surely had at least enough plan that day to get his entire family loaded into the car and to the park. Plans are a part of life and we are better off when we stop trying to deny it. One can only fly so far flying by the seat of his pants. Yes we must wait on the Lord, but that need not mean that we be inactive and directionless. We see even in Jesus parables that when He left his servants with talents he expected them to take the initiative to invest them well.

            Next there are those who hold on tightly. They have all their weeks, day, and hours down to a T. These people love to be in control and when they get their mind set on a plan they must see it come to pass, there is no other option. These are often the organized worrieres that always make things happen. They are big dreamers and they carry big planners. They feel it is all part of their stewardship in redeeming the time to have every passing moment panned and used to its fullest potential. In the most drastic cases when someone is “holding on tightly” and a plan falls through, they have a nervous breakdown. If it is a less advanced case of hold-it-tight-anitous at the very least are thoroughly annoyed. If there was ever a category I am not found in it is this one. My Grandmother however can plan with the best of them. She can organize a musical and a five course meal in the same evening, but she unlike her young grandson she has more difficult rolling with the punches. A risk these plan holders face is they often begin to identify themselves in their plans and they feel they fall with their plans should the plans fall through.

            The final category, I believe the Lord is teaching me, is to “hold them loosely.” One may and ought to have plans from time to time but we ought also expect change. Looking at life we make the best choices we can and then we rest knowing we did all we could that day to use it for the Lord. This person has a plan but is not surprised when things get shaken up. Truth be told I first saw this life style in the ministry of Paul the Apostle. When he was departing on his second missionary journey his goal was to minister to the churches in northern turkey, because he saw a good ministry opportunity there, and a need he could fill. So he began to move in that direction. He was in route when the Lord spoke to him in a vision giving him the call to Macedonia, a change of plans. He readily accepted and the Lord blessed his ministry for it. Looking at life as a blank page, if you’re holding loosely, you do not fight the Lord for the right to hold the pen, or the eraser. You have a direction, you have a good sensible goal, but you are also ready to move at the voice of the master where ever He may call.

            Plans are an inevitable part of life even for the believer. How we hold them greatly affects our experience. So look at your plans, are your hands empty lacking direction or initiative? Are your fists clenched around the plans because you have already decided what you want to take place in your life? Or are you holding your plans loosely, ready to work to the best of your knowledge, but ready to accept that the Lord’s plan is greater than your own.

Thankful

This past quarter I have been taking classes online. While this has been an interesting balancing act between deaning, life, the Christmas show here, and school, it has forced me to sit down and write for my various classes. I have found that I truly do like writing, but also that I would much rather share my thoughts while friends and family rather that just with my professors. So since I am on break now and have a little time for editing I thought I would throw some up on here to share. This is a discussion board from my teaching class the week after thanksgiving. Our prompt was, "what are you most thankful for this week?" I didn't just wanting to throw out something stereotypical but rather focus on a truth God was blessing me with in that time. So if you have five minutes here is a little nugget to chew over.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My heart sank into my stomach as it dawned on me that it was officially Thursday. I was standing back stage in full costume and makeup for a presentation Word of Life Bible Institute does to share the gospel. (The Sights and Sound of Christmas) It was the second presentation of the day. Friday we were scheduled to have two more and Saturday as well. The day of the week can be easy to lose track of at word of life, and the news came as such an unwelcomed revelation because  with the online classes I am taking, homework is due Saturdays at midnight. My normal routine has been making Fridays evenings and Saturdays homework days and getting my work done just as the clock strikes midnight. With work and the shows home work had not happened. I hadn't even taken time to check what my assignments were much less do them. My situation looked bleak. Perhaps passing college courses isn’t all its cracked up to be, I could always preach the gospel and panhandle…. Don’t need a degree for that.
Ok maybe I am being dramatic but at that moment I didn’t think I would prove to be possible to accomplish all I had before me at that moment.

I want to pause for a moment and clarify, life is good! There is no question about that. Life is full of wonderful blessing from an incredible God I simply don’t deserve:

My salvation
my family (my sister is engaged! And i had gotten to be with my family in Atlanta for Thanksgiving day!)
the gospel was being preached and God was using me in it, even if it be a small part
I have rich Christian fellowship
my job is surreal
I have my health and wits more often than naught
my faith leads to actual peace and Joy found in the source of all such things as I seek Him
awesome roommates
working with awesome guys
I enjoy life
I sing ok
I can speak Spanish pretty well
I been have been in God honoring relationships as of late and I don’t have regrets
God is patient with me
A rich Christian heritage
opportunities to be used
I am accepted in the Beloved

And many other blessings… None of which I accomplished or I deserved

but at that moment I was overwhelmed. I did have time for anything I didn’t have enough energy to enjoy the blessing or thank Him properly.

I sat in the dark of back stage right and just took a moment with Jesus mid-show. Thinking of a Psalm I had just read, in which the last verse after talking about the strength of the Lord was a request for strength for the psalmist, I thought a similar prayer, and sang in my head the song I've been mulling over lately. “give me strength, to trust what you say. That your real, and your spirits strong in me…”

I left it there in the hands of the Lord and went on with the show.

So after the shows finished and I had dinner and did some deaning I pulled out my laptop flipping it on. The fan started to whir and the screen came slowly to light. When I pulled open my weekly assignments I dreaded what i might find. However, I found a work load for that week relatively small and very managable.

God considers me! In the big and small, He is considerate of me.  “For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.?”
Ps 103:14

God knows I am nothing more but dust. He is not suprised in the least bit when my strength fails me. He even knows exactly what grade of dust I am. (which is apparently not all that strong of dust) And He is unbothered by it!

God gave me a small work load this week because He knew I needed it. Because He goes before me and blazes a trail, even though He forever walks with me!

He knows how weak I am and for that I am grateful. I know He has plenty to carry His children forward as they rest in Him. God did not need me to hold him up. For that I am very grateful, a forever powerful God who takes time to consider me.

Praise the Lord!